Friendships

I am aware I have posted about friendships before, but I want to be a little more specific, this time about healthy friendships.

My first friendships as a child were mostly fake. Forced friendships. However, I did have a few real friends. Most of them were guys, I found them more agreeable. Each name will either begin with the first letter of their name or will be assigned a fake name.

C and E: These two were brothers. One was my age and one was a year younger. We all got along pretty well and whenever we see each other again it feels like we pick up where we left off. They are really great guys. I was friends with them between the ages of 5 and 9.

T: She was a really sweet girl. They were not wealthy, but her family gave us hand-me-downs from her. Her mother also babysat us a few times and so we hung out with T a lot. She was older by a couple years, but we always had fun. Friends between 5 and 9. I am out of touch with her now.

S: She was an African-American girl that used to come to our church. She lived in a trailer park near our church. Myself and my sister loved her, she was very sweet. We are out of touch now. Between the ages of 6 and 9.

Then we moved to Texas where we were forced to deal with the reality of popular, unpopular, rich, and poor. This is where I made other friends.

AR: He was very nice, amusing, and we got along pretty well. He was my protector a lot from girls that were mean to me. He made sure that he was near me if he could be. Friends between 10 and 14. We are still in contact off and on.

A: She is my best friend currently. I met her when I was 11 or 12 and we are still friends. I am 22. This is one of the longest friendships I have had. She talked to me when I was waiting for my sister and the rest is history.

H: Her and I became friends when I was around 10 or 11. She had a lot of the same interests as me (sewing, music, etc) so we hit it off. We are still friends, but we aren't as close as we were.

K: When we started going to a new church we became friends with K. She was very nice and accepting of me even though I didn't speak. We became friends because we both liked horses. I met her when I was around 13. I am still in contact with her.

AD: AD was a great girl. She was a little scattered and we weren't really close friends. We were friends because herself and K were best friends. So...it was a "Friends just because...." type of relationship. Which we were both fine with. I am not in contact with her anymore.

EL: He was one of my best friends. We are no longer in contact. I met him when I was around 13 and we lost contact when we were around 16. I had a huge crush on him for a long time. I was heartbroken when we lost contact. (Long convoluted story that involves a church split)

B: We were friends for a few years but I also lost contact with him around the same time as EL.

Then we moved to NY again.

M: She was a lot younger than us. But being home-schooled, age doesn't matter for friendship. She was around 11 year old and I was about 17. We are still in contact off and on. We used to knit and do crafts together. (Or trade)

Then I went to my first college where I met:

MI: MI was a really nice girl, we were in the same ASL class together. Now she moved to Texas, haha. We traded places. But she was my first friend at college.

L: She was my second friend at college and we had every single ASL class together. We also transferred to the same college.

A: She was in a few of the same classes as me and we also transferred together. We aren't close, but we are friends.

M: She was in a couple of my ASL classes but we became fast friends. She is still one of my favorite people to be around. We didn't transfer to the same college, but we're still in touch through facebook.

AL: She was in a few of the classes for our major. I became friends with her as well, again, we aren't close, but we are friends.

At my new college, I have made at least 3 new friends.

N: She is from Africa and was adopted. She was a fast friend and we actually met during Orientation. N is very friendly and is someone I hope to continue a friendship with.

AB: She is a very hyperactive girl who is a fandom person. She loves Doctor Who and Supernatural. She was also home-schooled, which is always fun for me. I love meeting other home-schooled people.

TE: TE is Hard of Hearing and is just learning ASL. I enjoy talking with her and comparing experiences growing up poor. Also listening to her experiences, since she is also an African American. Her experiences with racism and my experience with seeing racism is interesting to compare.

KE: KE is very nice as well, she is fun to be around. I am still getting to know her a little better, but I'm unsure of where our friendship stands at this point.

One of my best Memories

Today I started to think about one of my favorite memories. I was in ASL 3 and 4 (It was a 4 credit class that covered two subjects). ASL is an abbreviation for American Sign Language. It is a language used by the Deaf, hard of hearing, mute (unable to verbalize), Children of Deaf adults (CODAs), and Interpreters.

Anyway, I was in an Associates program for ASL. I struggled in 3&4 because it focused more on storytelling aspects, which isn't my strong suit. But I am learning how to do this still. At the end of the semester, our teacher gave us each a bag of cookies. Inside each bag was a handwritten note by my teacher.

She knew I beat myself up regularly. I was never very good at telling myself was I was good at but my feedback on what I was bad at was exceptional. I still have the note she gave me, it is beaten up and almost falling apart, but I still have it.

It told me to keep going, that I could do it, that I was a lot more skilled than I thought. I almost cried when I read the note. Positive feedback is sometimes harder for me to take than negative feedback. I am much harsher on myself than most people are towards me.

It is still one of my favorite memories to this day.

Just a Pastor's Kid. 

Youth Group

Today I am going to talk about Youth Group. First of all, is it biblical? It isn't forbidden or condoned in the bible, so...Do with that what you will.

Growing up I have had some pretty bad experiences with youth groups. Mostly bullying of some sort. Here are some examples:

Shoved to the ground
Picked on about my lisp, clothing choices, eating habits, father's job, etc.
Ignored
Bitten
Kicked

Youth group can either harm you or nurture you. Unfortunately, every experience I have had except one had to do with being bullied or mistreated in some way. Because of this, I am against youth groups.

Youth groups, if not properly watched, can turn into high-school. People have cliques and caste systems. There are the losers and the popular. It is a disservice to the people of God, the church, and the representation of the church.

Then you are sometimes labeled as weird for acting more mature than them. It seriously is not my fault if you can't act your age. I was taught not to throw fits when I was two, but if I see you kicking and screaming at 13 years old because your mom said no...Yeah, I will look at you like you're a lunatic.

Here is some advice for youth leaders as well:

I suffered at the hands of a youth leader. She was manipulative and cruel. She pretended like she sympathized with you but the moment the bullying started right in front of her, she would look the other way. She would make fun of me and other kids who also didn't fit in. Do not do this.

If you see a teenager is having a rough time with other teenagers or prefers the company of adults...maybe you should suggest that they start going to the adult classes. Or talk with them beforehand so that way they aren't tormented right before worship. Oh, and maybe set aside the economic status of the bullies and simply tell their parents.

Instead be like this youth leader: She was wonderful. I was friends with her son. If I was being tormented I would go to her for safety. She would tell the parents and she would tell off the kids. She refused to put up with it.

Don't make it out like teenagers are supposed to be cruel to each other. Don't make it out like this is normal behavior. All it does is scar the kids who are the targets of those people.

Now I have trouble:
Eating in front of people
Trusting people
Believing what other people say
Believing I am good at things.

Please, if you see a youth kid being bullied or mistreated, stand up for them. They probably didn't do anything to deserve it.

Just a Pastor's Kid

Gun Control

Okay, so the Texas shooting? I lied, I'm seeing my friends make fun of liberals. Listen. Really carefully. Wait until the bodies are at least cold. This makes me angry because of the fact that it looks like you don't actually care. Here is what I see from the same person,

"Grieve with those who grieve."
"Good guy with gun stops bad guy with gun."
Commentor, "Yeah, we need gun control. :p"

Listen. Now is not the time and facebook is not the place. Make your sick jokes inside your house. I don't care if you added a "silly face". This was a tragedy and you're making light of it. People died. Children died.

You are adults, start acting like it.

Love, a Millennial 

Texas Church Shooting

First off, I want to say that the man was not part of Antifa. That is fake news that has been going around and we need to stop spreading it. Fake news people are like the neighborhood bully, if you ignore them they will eventually leave you alone. Stop spreading fake news and inform friends if they are doing so. If you need to use Snopes, please do it.

I haven't noticed a lot of gun debate going on so...*applause* I'm proud of both sides. You are at least waiting until the bodies are cold.

I want to extend my condolences to the church. I am so sorry that this horrible crime had to happen in the house of God. I am thankful that God served justice to the man who defiled the sanctuary. I pray that you are able to find a peace that surpasses all understanding.

As a pastor's kid, I pray for you. I grieve for you. I cannot imagine what this feels like. I am sorry for your loss.

Sam

Things girls do if they like a guy

This is just a general "just for fun" list. Not all these things are accurate for every single person. But here we go...

1. Avoid them like the plague. This is something I do all the time. If I like a guy, I try to avoid them. Makes it easier on me.

2. Flick their hair over their shoulder. I'm not sure if this is subconscious on most girl's part. I don't do it, I think it looks stupid and that you'll get whiplash from doing it often enough.

3. Try to make any sort of physical contact. I don't do this either. Not on purpose anyway. If I do it's because I'm comfortable with you and not so much a..."hello, let us become lifelong partners," type thing.

4. Try to be near them.

5. Flirt (I can't flirt my way out of a paper bag.)

6. Make an effort to look presentable. Once I get this way for a guy I'll know he is the one. xD

7. Flutter eyelashes.  This is a subconscious thing. I have done it before and so has my sister and neither of us knew we did it. Dad told us.

8. Try to like what the guy likes. (I don't pretend but I know people who have)

Those are just a few things. I'm sure there are more. 

Developing Anxiety

I am one of the few who believes anxiety is a thing. My own is on a lower level and rarely shows itself, but when it does decide to rear its ugly head in front of others, they try their best to keep me calm. I have seen the anxiety in both Christian and non-Christian friends. Sometimes it is so crippling they can't get out of bed.

When did my anxiety start? I don't have a pinpoint for when, but I have a very general idea. I started believing I couldn't do anything right when I was young. I had to have been around 8 years old when it first crossed my mind. I can't even remember what I did or who made me believe that. But I remember it crossing my mind and staying.

It went downhill from there. As I grew older my insecurities took root and nobody said anything to make me believe otherwise. I worked hard at my school and when I didn't get a perfect grade I would struggle for a few days. I would think I could be nothing more than a caretaker for my parents when they were old. Yes, I believed I would be a terrible mom as well.

I was able to keep it suppressed for a long time. The first time I realized I had anxiety was when I was in a crowd. It was during the Indianapolis Superbowl...In...2011? They had scheduled two events and it was overcrowded. I lost my group. After that, when I came home, I went to the Farmers Market with my mom. It was crowded that day and I gripped the back of my mom's coat so I couldn't get lost. My mom had seen the panic in my eyes and told me to hold onto her coat. In Wegmans she will hand me a bag or have me push the cart so I have something to do.

This happened again with crowds when I first entered college. My sister and I went into the student center and I froze. There were people everywhere. My sister saw my panic and told me to hold onto her backpack and she would lead me out. I obeyed and she led me out of the situation.

I am also always under the impression that people don't really like me. There are a rare few who I have no doubts about. I love those people because I never have to feel like anything is expected of me. I can just be me without being judged.

I tried to order food with a friend once and I got so quiet that I could barely speak. My friend spoke up for me and ordered my food because the cashier was rolling her eyes and acting rude.

My other friend recently saw my controlled panic. My card refused to work and I tried the way the Cashier said until it worked. When it was over my friend says, "It's okay, Sam. It's happened to me before too."  That was all I needed and I felt better and was able to joke about it. She also has anxiety and I think ours is close to the same.

When my Nana died, I lost all self-esteem. It really was amazing, I had no idea I had placed so much of myself in my grandmother. I was closer to her than most of my family. This is the hard part for me to talk about. She always built me up and never tore me down. She encouraged my dreams and hopes while trying to keep me from feeling like I was worthless. And I felt worthless a lot. It's coming up on the 5th year anniversary of her death and I'm not even close to being over it.

One thing my dad said to me when I was a kid...I was around seven. "Stop walking around like an abused animal."  I walked in a way that protected myself. If I acted small, nobody would bother me. I couldn't see (no glasses yet) before dad was saved he yelled a lot, and mom was emotional. If I could become invisible, nobody would bother me.

Here is for parents:

If your child can't complete a task, don't tell them they can never do anything in life. That is a lie and meant to cut them down. You are not allowed to treat your children like garbage because they can't live up to your expectations. That's abuse. Verbal abuse lasts forever. Stuff said to me when I was eight I still remember to this day. I don't have a grudge but I can't get rid of what was said either.

Your words have the power to destroy. Do not destroy your children's identity to make yourself feel better. "Don't stir up your children to wrath". Look it up, it's in the Bible.

Remember: Blaming Millennials for being snowflakes is crazy. Blame yourselves as you raised them. Take some personal responsibility and stop blaming the product of your bad decisions.